A damning report highlights the cultural and culinary differences between British and American traditional cuisine.

"We should have played bigly smart and exported English food to the Middle East instead of trying to pretend it was democracy" - Donald Trump.





Replacing the plastic looking McVomit breakfast with the same bitter after taste you get when you didn’t bring your reading glasses and realize you just voted for a president with dementia. Often referred to as a "fry up" or "Full Monty", you’ll have colonized the world before you’ve taken anti-acid medication burped twice and without an aircraft carrier in sight!




Why bother with a KFC bucket (you eat food out of a bucket?) when you can eat traditional English cuisine. In a recent survey, 99.9% of chickens voted to replace KFC with English fish and chips. The other 0.1% were found to be dyslexic. Its chips (we don’t do French fries) and fish (cod or haddock). Our chips are your potato chips and your potato chips are our crisps. Confusing isn’t it. Not as confusing as having a trunk at the back of your car instead of on an elephant … but I digress. Feast your twin digital orbitals on this! "Oh my gawd dude" and "like awesome man" are two common American expletives when tasting this traditional gourmet dish. Finger food eaten with a pinch of salt (vinegar optional).




From the northern heartlands and home of the industrial revolution we bring you this gourmet delight. American folklore says it’s what the Pilgrims brought to America in little plastic Tupperware jars and the Africans stole them and that made the Americans Nazis so they elected the Son of God Donald Trump and … Anyway, this isn’t about American history, it’s about food. Soft and tender (rather like Mr. Biden’s brain), made with lamb, onions and carrots with a crispy potato topping.







Allegedly a holiday (vacation) food, but looking like the special effects vomit spewed up by the girl in the film Exorcist. Had Christopher Columbus been aware that the natives would one day eat this foul looking substance, no doubt he would have turned away and America would have remained undiscovered to this day.




Have you ever wondered what you could do with a half-eaten packet of crisps (potato chips), a can of tuna you found at the back of the cupboard and an out-of-date tin of any flavor soup? Here’s the answer. Mix them together and put the resulting mess into the oven instead of the garbage can. Close your eyes, hold your nose and pour the resulting mess down your throat. HOO RAR Murika!





After throwing British tea into Boston harbor in 1773 and recently having tasted English food, Americans say sorry to Britain for their historical culinary disasters.






Chips are thick cut pieces (chips) of potato, deep fried in oil. They’re what you call those anaemic looking lukewarm things MacDonald’s tell you are French fries, except they’ve nothing to do with France where they’re called frites and not French fries either. Incidentally, it’s potato not potatoe, which sounds like a medical term for an ingrowing toe nail.

Cut the potato into chunky size pieces. It doesn’t matter about the length and boil in water until soft, but not too soft or you’re going to end up with fried mashed potato. As they’re boiling, you should be able to put a sharp kitchen knife through them with just a slight resistance. Drain, shake off the moisture and put into a deep pan already filled with the hottest temperature of oil you can before your kitchen goes up in flames. Wait a couple of minutes until they’re a dark golden colour. They should be crispy on the outside and soft on the inside like President Biden’s brain, or a roast potato. Enjoy fresh from the fryer, hot with sprinkled salt and optional vinegar (the chips, not Mr Biden’s brain).




Centuries ago a hungry British patrol stopped at Lexington to ask, "is there a MacDonald’s around here?" The inhabitants thought the officer said, "I’ve come to kill everyone called MacDonald around here" and so began the American War of Independence.

This linguistic confusion continues into the present day as President Barack Obama said in 2008, "I’m goanna tax you suckers to death" and half the population thought he said, "I’ve come to heal America."