Prospective MPs of mainstream parties in the 2024 by-election were shocked when the usual promises of more jobs, lower taxes and speeches of 'I'm better than the other lot' failed to produce any voters.


The competition this time around for £82K pa jobs plus allowances and perks in a collapsing minimum wage gig-economy was fierce and attracted a wide variety of optimistic hopefuls.



At empty voting booths across Liverpool officials waited all day in vain for someone to turn up.

By late afternoon rumours began to circulate that someone had entered a polling booth in St.Helens, but it later turned out to be an elderly gentleman who thought it was a Tesco convenience store and had wandered in to buy a bottle of milk.

Meanwhile, as a frenzied media searched for voters, a passerby in Sefton remarked, "New Labour? Didn’t they play at Glastonbury? I thought they’d split up" and in Knowsley a young Somalian gentleman attracted by the commotion of exasperated officials waving their arms about outside a polling station entered thinking it was a rave. Given a voting slip he thought the paper asked what time it was and wrote, 'I don’t know.'

Denying that the majority of voters are generally stupid and no voters was a sign that what people really wanted was a vote whether to string Jeremy Hunt, Michael Gove and himself up from the nearest lamp post, PM Rishi Sunak said that no voters meant people were happy with the way things were in Liverpool and added, "it’s a real sign of working democracy."





Liverpool was recently the subject of a UN inquiry after the Red Cross and Médecins Sans Frontières mistook the city for the aftermath of the Istanbul earthquake in March.

A spokesman for the UN Earthquake Relief Team told a packed UN Assembly; "When we saw the dreadful images during the May by-election we knew we had to send humanitarian aid as quickly as possible." He went on to add, "We need to get help to these people right now."

The European Union immediately pledged €3 million in food aid and the US offered to fast track refugee applications.

The aid relief was cancelled when a puzzled Liverpool Council spokesman admitted, "No La, Liverpool as always looked like dis."

Following a tip-off by nearby concerned residents, police raided a modern slavery warehouse disguised as a 'fulfillment center' in Liverpool. The camp was hidden behind a metal link fence equipped with flood lights and 24 hour security guards patrolling the perimeter. Police have issued a photo of a man known only as 'Jeff' they wish to interview to help them with their inquiries, but believe he may have fled to America.

It is believed the workers were supplied by employment agencies and umbrella companies posing as employers. An freed worker who wished to remain anonymous told reporters, "We had to wear masks, worked long hours and kept isolated two meters from each other. They were paid us the  minimum wage,  just enough to keep us alive."

Nearby residents claimed that locked down and muzzled themselves they had no idea what was going on behind the fence.