Following the retirement of Obama the returning Messiah who was crucified by the US news media, a man in a red baseball cap became a president sent by God. Denying news media headlines and rumors that the bright star shining over his birthplace was in fact a 150 watt light bulb, Donald, the only-begotten son of Fred Trump, promised his optimistic followers great wealth if they would follow him.



Speaking in a sermon on his golf course at Mar-a-Lago , Mr. Trump told the assembled multitudes, "I will build a great, great wall on our southern border and I’ll have Mexico pay for that wall."

However, having failed to build the promised wall to keep out unbelievers and despite proclaiming himself King of Israel, there followed betrayal by one of his disciples, Rex son of Tillerson from the House of Exxon, who disowned him as a "f***ing moron." The whole unfortunate episode later brushed under the carpet and blamed on the long-suffering pessimistic Russians.



Eventually, Donald the Son of God was delivered to his pretrial in New York by Pontius Biden on charges of fraud and publicly scourged. Arguing that he was the best president in American history, Donald uttered the now famous phrase, ‘’Forgive them Lord for they know not what they do, bing, bing bong.’’

Meanwhile, news headlines from research scientists from the Royal Society of Astronomy now suggest the claim of a bright star seen in the East on the morning of Mr. Trump’s birth may well have been the sun rising. There are also allegations that tracts of his best seller were plagerized from a book previously written by a gentleman living on Mount Sinai named Moses.

"This Moses guy wanders 40 years, never even makes it into the land of Canaan? There's a name for guys like that, believe me. Loser."

"Corinthians? They’re fine people, wonderful people, make a tremendous leather product.  My home in Malibu is covered in it."

"Joseph & Mary rode a donkey into a foreign town to have a baby in a manger? Sound like illegals to me."

"The Samaritans are dirty and low class. They're not sending us their best people."

And I came to them walking on the waves and said, "Have you seen the polls? I'm like WAY ahead. It's not even close."

"I will do such great things for Israel, there will be no more wailing at the Wailing Wall. It will be a great, great wall when I'm done with it!"





Police confirm that an elderly man missing from his home for several days has been found alive and well in a swamp at the rear of the Manhattan Chase Bank on Wall Street. Speaking to reporters back in his home in Florida, Mr. Trump said "I’ve no idea what I was doing in that swamp, or who put all that cash in my pockets. I only popped out for a bottle of milk and kinda got lost."




Mr. Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner told a grand jury he has no idea how a Ferrari stuffed full of cash on his driveway got there.