Government to offer lower classes housing contract to construction firm Lego to relieve the current housing crisis. Banks bring in four hundred year mortgages to gig-economy minimum wage workers to provide affordable housing.


In a speech at the Guild Hall in London sponsored by Estate Agent lobbyists and hedge fund managers, PM Rishi Sunak told a packed assembly that according to government figures, Britain’s future generations could become house owners as early as the year 2356 (a century later in London). The Secretary of State for Housing the Lower Classes said: "A four hundred year mortgage is a heirloom, something to pass on to future generations. It’s the perfect way for the lower common classes to get into the first time buyers-market."

The news was welcomed by many currently unable to get on the bottom rung of home ownership. Jemima Higginbottom an agency warehouse operative in an Amazon fulfilment center said: "It’s fantastic. They told me if I stop whining about how I can barely afford the bus fare to work, I could be a managing director in a few years’ time. I’ve currently been searching everywhere for a mortgage, but all I’ve been offered is a chair in the back garden of a property in Bromsgrove."

Meanwhile in Birmingham, twenty seven year old David and a crew member at McDonalds since leaving school also welcomed the news. "There’s this bird I fancy works on the chip fryer … Anyway, I reckon if I can knock out fifteen sprogs in the next twenty years years and they all do the same the house could be paid off in only a couple of hundred years. OK, maybe a bit more if we count in layoffs, downturns, stagnating wages, recessions, climate catastrophes, a Covid plague every now and again and the odd war, but it’s doable innit."



As the European Union mourn the death of British Bob the Builder, the pioneering diversity leader who socially engineered the first multicultural State in the west, British police accuse a man of shocking crimes against diversity  after he whistled the tune in public (Can we fix it? Yes we can’t!)



Sometimes referred to as Bob the Woke Builder, Bob was also said to be responsible for the discovery that William Shakespeare was in fact a Nigerian tourist named Akachukwu Abubakar who settled in Stratford-upon-Avon in 1582 and changed his name.
 
The current hate crime follows a long list of similar crimes reported to police, including a man who claims he was cheated by his drug dealer because he was gay and an employment agency told to remove an advert asking for "reliable and hard-working" applicants because it might offend those who are not.