In an era of attention spans matching those of a goldfish, we briefly relive how close Britain came to a mass nervous breakdown during the Covid hysteria. A unique insight into what really happened behind the scenes and remained hidden from public gaze.
British government officials reacted with dismay after it emerged that an English haddock caught swimming in French EU waters tested positive for Covid. The now deceased fish was spotted by a French trawler off the coast of Le Havre apparently in difficulties and concerned fishermen pulled it out of the water.


Unfortunately, it was too late and the haddock passed away on the boat with breathing difficulties minutes after being pulled out of the water.

Speaking to reporters, shocked CPR trained skipper Monsieur Pecheur said "its head was below the surface and I knew I had do something. It started gasping for air when we pulled it out of the water, but it was too late."

The shocking revelation comes among heightened concerns following the discovery of a covid infected water melon in a German supermarket.


News of the Covid positive English haddock sparked nationwide protests and chaotic panic buying with already stupefied shoppers standing for hours in queues outside supermarkets to stockpile toilet rolls. An Asda employee in Sheffield told reporters "ee by gum, we’ve not seen nowt like this since Hovis gi thi 10p off a loaf" and in other parts of Britain there are confirmed reports of Widespread 'follow the haddock' demonstrations.

However, passerby pensioner Edna Shufflebottom who claims her grandmother recently died from Covid warned against complacency and added "don’t these people listen to the BBC? It’s the unvaccinated who haven’t got Covid that are spreading it around!"

Meanwhile, following the resignation of Health Secretary Matt Hancock who forgot he owns 20% shares in Topwood Ltd, an NHS approved Contract Company he awarded contracts to, chaos reigns. In a daily televised briefing, the new Health Secretary Sajid Javid said it was time to "level up" and that the covid infected haddock had not been trying to escape Britain from three tier windows, lockdowns, curve flatteners & circuit-breakers, but that it had simply "got lost" and went on to reassure the public there was no evidence that fish cakes carry the flu.

In the House of Commons a government proposal to spray the population with Lemsip powder from crop spraying aircraft was defeated after members of the opposition said people would have to gather in large groups for it to be effective and that would break the two meter social distancing rule. Additionally, earlier reports that the NHS were hiding dead Covid bodies behind Tesco’s in Banbury have proved to be false

Previously hugging trees to stop the ice caps melting, Britain now joins in the latest dance craze of the two meter shuffle, whilst jabbing each other with needles and opening their windows to let the flu out.

To boldly go …
Captains log star date 2021.
Far away on the Star Ship Enterprise where having escaped the gravity of earth’s optimism and observing the goings-on from deep space, eternal pessimist Captain Kirk remarks to Doctor Jim McCoy:







The British destroyer HMS Woke (previously HMS Defender) launches pink LGBT paint bombs against French EU fishing boats after being chased out of the Black Sea by the Russians.