Unconfirmed reports suggest a growing disquiet in government circles as the English Covid positive haddock found swimming in EU waters assumes cult status. Several Tory MP's have been heckled by chants of 'Follow the Haddock' and two days ago a middle-aged couple from Rochester were picked up on a makeshift raft made from garden fencing by a coastguard patrol in the English channel. The unnamed couple told authorities they had decided to follow the Haddock after reading about it in the John V Asia Teacher blog.

Meanwhile, on Sunday morning police briefly detained 27-year-old Darren Innit on public order offences as he was explaining the parable of 'why carrots don’t grow on trees' to passers-by outside the library in Knutsford, Cheshire. Mr. Innit, an ant-lockdown protester and parliamentary candidate identifying as a self-styled street prophet was later released without charges.  
 
Mr. Innit said he was still very traumatized by the incident. "I was arrested by a small tattooed policeman with a bald head and beard who looked like the Hobbit and driven away in a rainbow coloured police car with LGBT stickers. I thought I was going to a police station but they took me to a 'custody suite' with the same kind of weird characters. I felt as if I’d fallen down an Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole."


Mr. Innit produced previously unpublished photographs claiming proof that his congregation also includes influential public figures such as Labour leader Mr. Starmer and the Chief Constable of Kent who follow the way of the haddock and regularly attend his sermons.


Meanwhile, across England’s green and pleasant land reports of people constructing makeshift rafts in back garden sheds to escape five day window circuit breaking tier three anti-lockdown measures continues to grow.





Exclusive photos of PM Boris Johnson's 2020 Covid brush with death after spending a whole night in hospital and being set upon by a team of NHS masked vaccine cult enthusiasts. Boris said "gosh chums, let's all give three cheers for the jolly old NHS."




I really wanted to buy a Covid mask and just look like everyone else, but the problem is I can't enter a shop to buy one if I'm not wearing one. I tried putting a newspaper over my face but it just looked stupid so now I wear my under pants on my head. OK, it’s not a real mask, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.




In an exclusive interview it’s confirmed the late HM The Queen considered emigrating to Zimbabwe to get away from Covid cult fanatics. She added "One may have fought a civil war against King Charles 1st, but look at the Muppets you’ve got ruling you now."